I should be reviewing Oscar contenders by now, but I prefer to watch schlock instead. (At least I’m honest!)

What’s It About? When his friend Dolan 36th is struck by a fatal curse, immortal warrior Kaulder swears to seek and destroy the witches behind the act.

STRAIGHT UP: Furious 7 it ain’t. 1/5

What I Liked

The secret life – It’s interesting to see Vin Diesel, who has made a living selling Hollywood’s idea of cool, get involved in a movie that unmistakably represents what he actually thinks is cool.

Michael Caine as Dolan 36th – Michael Caine is the kind of actor who can add a touch of dignity and class to just about any scene, as he does here.

So-bad-it’s-good dialogue – The script for this movie is terrible, but I couldn’t help cracking a smile after lines like “This is dark magic – beyond evil” or “We don’t kill ’em anymore. We take ’em to Witch Jail.”

What I Disliked

Technical fail – This movie underwhelms on every technical level. The costumes and art design are uninspired, the writing is poor, and the cinematography is baffling. Clearly not an A-list production.

A really dumb plot twist – The movie’s central twist requires Kaulder to ignore some very basic in-universe facts about witches… for 800 years! It makes the “fearsome” witch hunter look like a total idiot; you, dear reader, will be able to guess what’s happening instantly.

Elijah Wood as Dolan 37th – This character doesn’t add anything of value to the movie and should have been cut.

CLOSING THOUGHT: Considering how Vin Diesel’s performances all tend to blend together, the best thing to come out of this movie will be the inevitable fan theory that every Vin Diesel character is just Kaulder using an alias, leading to the creation of the Vin Diesel Cinematic Universe.