As a longtime fan of Big G, I felt an obligation to write this review.

What’s It About? When Godzilla and other kaiju emerge to wreak havoc on the West Coast, a team of scientists and military specialists struggle to contain the damage.

STRAIGHT UP: I was disappointed. Too many mistakes to forgive. 5/10

What I Liked

Bryan Cranston as Joe Brody – Contrary to what the trailers suggested, this guy isn’t the central protagonist. That’s tragic, because he’s the only decent character in the entire movie.

Godzilla gets the respect he deserves – This is the real Godzilla, and he’s not going to die like a chump the way Emmerich’s Zilla did in 1998. He’s treated like a demigod at points, which is how it should be.

The sense of scale – This movie makes giant monsters feel truly titanic in a way that has to be seen to be understood.

The halo drop scene – Pure gold. A breathtaking moment that defines the film’s final act.

What I Disliked

Ford Brody – Our actual protagonist is a generic military guy who is defined solely by his ability to be wherever kaiju are all the time. An incomprehensibly boring character who can’t even justify his own screentime.

Ken Watanabe as Magic Asian Man – Watanabe has never actually seen these kaiju before. How can he automatically know so much about them just by watching footage of them on a monitor for a few minutes? It’s because he’s Japanese, isn’t it? Come on, man.

All the other human characters, actually – Human drama is necessary to ground a monster flick, but this film crashes and burns here. None of the characters have personalities or motivations to sustain a plot, and only two of them have even the barest backstory.

MUTO – MUTO’s crane-smashing, cable-snapping debut is awesome, but it can’t live up to that good first impression. Nothing really interesting or distinctive about its looks or abilities, and I felt that the creature concept was too derivative of the Cloverfield monster.

Macro biology – The kaiju have existed since primordial times, apparently. How have they managed to live and grow and reproduce for so long without ever affecting humanity before this? It seems impossible to me that more people aren’t aware of Godzilla’s existence.

Too much teasing – It’s a good choice by the director to keep the kaiju scarce for a lot of the film, and build up anticipation for their final showdown. However, I felt that the camera cut away from potential kaiju action a few times too many – an issue made worse by the unimpressive human characters who are then made to carry the film.

The final battle – It’s fine and all, but I think that Godzilla and MUTO’s final clash could have used more visual pop. Splashing in some fluorescent blood ala Pacific Rim would have gone a long way. Also, where’s the reason to cheer for Godzilla? The military’s strategy is such that it doesn’t matter which monster wins.

CLOSING THOUGHT: I’ve seen other people’s positive reviews of this film, and I wonder if everyone was so desperate for a good Godzilla movie that they tricked themselves into believing this was it. It’s better than the 1998 film, but it fails some very basic tests. It’s an interesting choice for a summer blockbuster to delay and understate the spectacle of giant monsters fighting, but to do that successfully, there needs to be something else compelling to fill that time. Godzilla (2014) doesn’t provide anything resembling that. The end result is that I was bored for long stretches of time, something I never imagined I would be feeling during a freaking Godzilla movie. I think the director’s heart is in the right place, but any sequel is going to have to do a lot better than this.